giving up on the church.

I love God. God is good. God is faithful. God is love. God is truth.

(this blog is more about me + my thoughts vs being about the church that I attend)

I love my church.
I love the community.

I love the Pastor and the people and the mission and the opportunities to serve.

(this is not about the church I attend)

If you love God and have never thought about giving up on church. This blog is not for you.

This piece is for the one who knows the power of prayer. Who know what it really means to walk by faith. Who knows what happens when you lean on your own understanding in the midst of trials. Yea, this piece is for you.

Last year, my walk was inspirational. I was seeking God more. I was praying more. I was fasting more. I was serving more. I was giving more.

More should have been my word for 2019.

As I found myself operating with more, I was also given more responsibility.

Not inside the church but outside the church.

The tricky part is that I only had experience operating with more responsibility on that which was church related. This other stuff was throwing me off and I was driving the struggle bus by sight. I was so strong + mighty in denial, I was just going to continue to pray my way through.

Prayer changes things, right?

Yes but let me show you why it’s important to know your “why” for what you’re praying and believing God for.

My blog post were so real about how my life was changing right before my eyes. I was sharing daily and writing gave me something to look forward to. The people left feeling inspired and there I was feeling like I needed to break free from the one thing that was holding me accountable.

I wasn’t dating. I wasn’t having sex. I wasn’t going to the club/bar. I was also not listening to the radio. I was not watching tv. I was not gossiping. I wouldn’t even listen to secular music. I was trying really hard not to ruin my witness. So hard. Almost too hard.

[So you wouldn’t catch her in spaces or environments or settings that would distract her on this journey of being the human being that was portrayed on the blog. She was real and so were the stories but in her mind, the blog talking about faith + God’s goodness + the miraculous things that were happening to her each month required a certain lifestyle that she grew comfortable living.]

Except in all that I wasn’t doing, I started feeling more empty towards the end of the year.

Not with purpose. Not with love. Not with joy. Not with grace.

I was suffocating myself and didn’t know why I had such difficulty breathing.

my heart’s desire was to live with purpose. live with love. live with joy. live with grace.

And had the switch not happened, I would have found myself giving up on the church too.

See I was praying for God to help me feel less pressure. So I went on a few breaks. I took a month off from serving at the church because I only want to serve with a pure heart. I took a break from writing “churchy” messages so that I could reach who God needed me to reach. I took a break from always feeling like I had to have the perfect ending for each chapter of my life so that I could see why “perfection” can’t always be the end goal.

As I was praying for a sign, I received so many doors opening. Not all of them were from God.

One thought was to give up on the church altogether.

And then COVID-19 came in + gave me the break that I didn’t know that I needed from being present in a few different areas.

Sometimes you can be so desperate for a door of opportunity that you become blind from looking so hard.

You can become blind out of desperation.

And eventually become foolish in all your ways. Scripture states that a fool despises wisdom and instruction.

So I’m pretty sure that’s why I was preparing to give up on the one place that was going to provide me with what I needed most during my season of transition.

I still love the church.

Can’t wait to be back in church.

I’m so grateful for my church home.

I’m still trying to find the balance of me living with more.

[More freedom. More opportunities.]

[More peace. More blessings.]

[More self-awareness. More influence.]

To the one that was preparing to give up too: I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I would challenge you to become more in tune with your “why” for doing stuff versus just doing stuff and attaching scripture to it or God’s name to it or just doing it because that’s what “churchy” people do. Not accusing you of anything but I think this is very possible to do unknowingly.

My prayer is that as you’re placed in different environments that require you to be what God created you to be. You will not run. You will not fear the outcome. You will not deny yourself the opportunity to grow. You will not become distracted in the process. You will not grow weary. You will not question, why you? But that you will go in each room knowing that you’re clothed with strength and dignity and be a change agent who can manage being a powerhouse with purpose.

I’m not supposed to be a christian blogger. I’m not going to be a preacher one day. I’m probably not even going to marry a man that can quote more scripture than me. lol

And now that I know this much, I can give up on being what I thought I needed to be.

Now I can focus more on being authentically me.

And that requires me to give up on the lies that I’ve been fed by the enemy, not give up on the church.

This piece will rub some the wrong way. But just know that it’s much easier to judge someone else’s story when you yourself haven’t had to experience what they have experienced.

My prayer for anyone who may look at me differently after they read this, is that they see my heart for the people who feel like their truth isn’t welcomed by the church. My heart for those who have been carrying shame around from having moments where their walk started to look like they don’t belong at the church. My heart for those who may have been hurt by the church unintentionally [or with intention] and that same hurt be the driving force for why they can’t experience the freedom that is attached to forgiveness. My heart for those who aren’t apart of the 99 crew.

My perspective shifted + so did my energy for being motivated not to give up…

not on God. not on the people. not on the church.

#BNspired2day

B.Nicole

2 thoughts on “giving up on the church.

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