brittany nicole

Enjoy reading… it’s blogmas day 2…

Growing up in a single-parent house as the oldest opened up my eyes to see the why behind things. My mom worked hard and she gave everything that she had in her to ensure that my sister and I could have normal childhoods lacking nothing. Anything that I wanted to be involved with, my mom made it happen for me. So many, including my sweet granny told her that she was throwing money away. She really wasn’t though, I believe she was making an investment into my future. This is why every accomplishment of mine is hers too.

I saw her be selfless and strong. I was so inspired and wanted her work ethic to take root in my own life. Except I wanted to work hard and as a result play 10x harder. I knew that I was going to have to make some money to do that though. So I’ve worked really hard to grow professionally and I’m determined to keep growing professionally until my work can speak for itself. And I don’t chase money, but my hard work has finally paid off. And I’ve just started to experience this freedom and I’m just not ready to give it up yet.

I don’t want to have to give my last selfishly.

I want to sleep in on Saturdays selfishly.

I also want to travel and not have to pinch my coins while there.

And because I just started making “enough” money to afford me this lifestyle of freedom at 30. I want to enjoy all of it selfishly.

I do believe that kids are blessings from above but I used to not have a love for kids at all when I was younger. Kids annoyed me in the smallest of ways but kids have always gravitated towards me with no hesitation. Random kids in stores run up to me and smile. Growing up, the kids at church thought I was so cool. They would want to sit with me and hold my hand and I did my very best to be a good role model for them and not once did I ever turn one away. Then my niece was born. She’s 3 now. And she changed my entire mindset on kids and the joy they bring to the lives of others. She’s the reason that I look forward to losing sleep and sharing everything that I get ready to put in my mouth and I have even started wiping behinds after she poops. (She’s potty trained but we’re working on how to wipe properly.) Man, who would have thought? Not I…

I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve done what it takes to get pregnant many times. But beginning in high school, I was on birth control as a junior in high school. My mom never asked if I was having sex (but I was) and she didn’t want me to end up pregnant in high school because so many of my classmates were, she implied that I should go get on birth control ASAP. I ran to the health department and I took that little pill faithfully. Somehow I made it out of high school with no pregnancy scares.

College? Different story. I had one with my boyfriend at the time and we went and purchased a Plan B together. He went in and paid for it. I sat in the car. I was too embarrassed to go inside. We would have figured out parenthood if we had to because at that time I wasn’t so adamant about not wanting kids. I do want to add that the Plan B is not an effective method of birth control and should not be used as such.

During my junior year of college, I stopped taking all medicine including my birth control. I became more pressed about what I put into my body willingly. If you take medicine for any reason, I am not judging you. Please do what’s best for you to live a healthy lifestyle.

Then my senior year in college, I stopped having sex altogether in. So I felt like I was good to go until 7.5 years later when I had a lapse in judgment in 2020 and had sex with someone who ghosted me after the fact. Details in “Closing This Chapter Soon” . So I left the hotel and went back to my mom’s trying to process what had just happened. I felt numb. Like girl what did you just do and why? And because of having such an extended period of not having sex, I stopped tracking my cycle years ago. Interesting enough? I’m that girl that used to have sex with my wittle boyfriend and think I was pregnant the next week. After that particular incident, I took a Plan B within 12 hours after I was able to come to terms with everything. Within 48-72 hours of doing so, I became sick sick. Sick as a dog sick. Over the next 2-3 weeks, I was dealing with the following:

Late cycle – Fatigue – Headaches – Mood Swings – Food Cravings – Nausea with Vomiting

And truth be told, I was weighing all of my options, including abortion. Mentally, I don’t know if I’m strong enough for an abortion. I think the decision would weigh on me heavy after the fact. The experience did help me become less judgmental and extend grace to all of those who have had or will have to follow through with a decision like that.

And If i’m being honest, that time I went and purchased my own Plan B. Now many of you are going to ask why didn’t I make him purchase it. Because I didn’t want to be chasing behind someone who obviously wanted nothing more from me. His behavior changed up on me that night. Or maybe I recognized it that night. Now I believe the pill itself made me sick initially. After that, I have no clue why I was so sick for weeks. But I refused to go to the doctor out of fear of being told that I was pregnant. Kind of silly I know. I was just trying to give it time and not panic. This probably made me sicker and stress to the point that I caused the delay in my cycle.

Maybe God had me experience that which I didn’t want to experience as a result of doing something I had no business doing. Okay God, I hear you.

So what did I learn? No part of me enjoyed that. No part of me was excited. No part of me was looking forward to it. So I’ve come to this conclusion: if I’m not on birth control and I know I’m not ready for motherhood, I need to go back to living a life of not doing it. So I’m back living the good ol’celibacy life and having peace of mind. I prefer life this way. I’m happier this way. I’m healing and working on my strengths and weaknesses. It’s a blessing for me to be in this space right now kidless.

I think once I tackle more of my career goals, i’ll reasses if motherhood is fitting for me to pursue. My sister and so many others have shown me that you don’t have to know everything. You begin to figure things out along the way. You grow into the role and your kids aren’t judging you, they just want to be cared for and loved on.

BTW, my sister is a wonderful mother who is so caring and loving and patient. It’s a beautiful thing to watch her be a mother. She gives me more peace in knowing that maybe deep down it’s in me too to be a great mom one day, I’ll just have to wait and see. I know God’s plan for me has already beeen written and I have faith that if/when it happens, I’ll be ready to tackle motherhood extending myself grace along the way. But for now, I’ll keep working on me and pursuing my goals so that I can be my best self for my future husband and kids, if that be in God’s plan for me. And yes I know that there’s many that have mastered both their professional careers and motherhood. Right now, I’m just focused on one of the two and I’m learning to not feel guilty about that. I’m grateful for my portion and who knows, maybe I’ll have triplets one day and laugh that at 29-30, I was so on edge about having one.

As always, do what’s best for you and keep being your true authentic self.

Signed,

Choosing to be kidless for now

#BNspired2day