brittany nicole

Hopefully you were able to read the hurtful truth. This blog is basically part II. I received so much love and support and words of encouragement after I published part I. So again, I want to say thank you to every single person who reached out! I’m doing much better now that I’ve had time to process things.

I’m picking up where I left off…

The family viewing was going to be held on Wednesday, July 22 from 10-12PM. I can remember not really feeling much like “family” that morning but knowing that it wouldn’t be right to not show up during that time with family.

Except not very many family members showed up at all. We were the first ones there. And we were the last ones to leave.

During the 2 hour period, my sister and I met a few men who our father played football with at Huffman High. They were so nice.

Apparently they had heard of us and knew a little bit about us, but had never had the pleasure of meeting us.

I believe meeting them was a God thing and I’ll tell you why towards the end.

So on the day before of the funeral, we still hadn’t heard from the aunt or her husband or our father’s wife.

Not that I expected to at this point. But I was kind of preparing for the awkwardness of that first conversation with either party. I expected to have this out of the way before the day of the funeral.

And here’s what took place on the day of…

So we were told to arrive at the funeral home at 9:30AM for the funeral procession line-up.

We actually arrived at 9:10/9:15AM.

To an empty parking lot.

Please keep in mind that we drove from Florence to Birmingham (2 hour drive) on Wednesday for a family viewing that had more friends present than family during the family hour. We had a birthday photoshoot scheduled for my niece at 6PM that day. So yes, we were back on the road early Thursday morning driving from Florence to Birmingham again.

So we sat around and waited. Cars didn’t actually start pulling up to the funeral home until 10AM.

We pulled out of the parking lot after 10:20AM and no we were not apart of the line up with family. And I can guarantee that no one was looking for us to join it.

I honestly question if they thought we would show up.

Any who, I thought it would be better for us to drive over to the cemetery for the graveside service than to cause a scene in the funeral parking lot.

Keep in mind that we were told that the graveside service would begin at 10:30AM.

Because I was on bereavement leave, my phone was still blowing up with requests. Not from co-workers, but students. I didn’t make an announcement to all of them. And sometimes being a hands-on advisor comes with a few disadvantages.

So I stayed in the car to take care of a work issue. My mother and sister went ahead of me.

I get out of the car eventually and an older man stopped me in my tracks to ask me if I was a classmate…

I heard him the first time, but wanted to make sure I was hearing him clearly…

“I’m sorry sir, what did you ask?”

“Are you a classmate of my son, Tracy Jordan?”

“I’m actually Tracy Jordan’s oldest daughter…”

He paused for a second, and said “You’re Brittany, aren’t you?”

And that’s how I met my grandfather Vernon.

So the service begins and we were standing off to the side.

Remember those classmates who he played football with at Huffman High School that we met during the family hour the day before…?

They were on the program to give reflections. They met us 24 hours ago and each one of them mentioned us/acknoweleged us during their speech.

Wow! They actually pointed us out. Introduced us proudly to the crowd.

I think it threw people off a little. Some people didn’t know we existed. Some people started whispering. Some continued to stare throughout the remainder of the service.

None of that bothered me though because up until that point, I didn’t know if we should have showed up or not.

That may sound weird. But I was thinking about how the mistreatment/continuation of being ignored could have a negative impact on our healing process.

We still didn’t have any communication with immediate family before, during or after.

We did have many people come up afterwards to introduce themselves and let us know that our father spoke very highly of us. I think that’s why he continued to read my blog and post on social media. It gave him enough updates to share with others.

And the aunt who was designated to “communicate” with me? I spotted her out in the parking lot at the funeral home. I had actually never seen her/met her. Her demeanor over the phone gave me a clue or two about her personality.

After the funeral, I was walking to the car with my mother. The aunt saw me across the street and said “you must be Brittany?”

“That’s me.” I said you must be _______________, the aunt who I’ve been in communication with. (not sharing name here, but please know that I did address her by her name respectfully)

“Again I’m so sorry for your loss and hate that we’re meeting for the first time under these terms. You’re actually a pretty girl? I hear you work at some big university too. Good for you, good for you.”

“Nice meeting you as well. Hope you have a good day ma’am. And thank you for the details that you shared. Safe travels to you and yours.”

“I was just doing what I could do to help. It’s so nice to finally put a face with a name. Well, nice talking to you. Safe travels to you and your sister.”

Finally back in the car now where I can breathe. I can gather my thoughts. I can laugh at how God made sure people knew who we were even though people tried so hard to leave us out of the picture.

There’s one convo that my sister and I had with someone after the funeral that didn’t get featured. I wanted to include but God…

So as you can see we were ignored by most. Embraced by some. Acknowledged by few.

I think I wanted to share this because I know that many of you have awkward situations/negative viewpoints that stem from the behavior of family. Family will try you. Family will love you. Family will ignore you. Family will support you. Family will be family. Luckily, you get to be in control of how much access you give to each family member.

Toxic behavior comes from broken people. Broken people aren’t always toxic. But toxic behavior doesn’t have to be tolerated. By anyone, especially not family.

Address the Behavior, Not the Person

Present Solutions

Set Boundaries

Respect Yourself and Be Respectful In Your Delivery

Listen to Understand

Stay in Character

Unless doing any of the above puts you in danger. Then I’d advise you to exit left.

Prayerfully, you can be strong enough to not get out of character every time that family attempts to pull you out of character.

Here’s 5 things to keep in mind the next time someone attempts to pull you out of character, especially if it’s a family member:

1. Assess what you want to accomplish in the end and do what it takes to make it happen with/without their help
2. Don’t take it personal. Hurt people hurt people and you may just be serving as a constant reminder of why they’re hurting
3. Continue to own your truth and stand tall. The facts will keep you in the lane that God has placed you in
4. Always take the high road, even if you have to do it silently. Your actions when tested reveal your true character
5. Forgiveness is for you, the other person will have their own forgiveness process to go through. So remember to love hard, forgive harder.

Sometimes showing up is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes showing up is the right thing to do. Sometimes showing up is the best thing to do.

And most of the time, you won’t know until after you show up…

#BNspired2day