brittany nicole

This blog was written June 2020 for Father’s Day, my birth father passed away the following month unexpectedly on 7/13/20. May his soul forever Rest In Peace…

On this day, I’m reminded of the importance of being a grace giver.

I do not have an ideal relationship with my birth father.

I do not have any hate in my heart for him either.

I also celebrate not having to pretend that something does exist when it doesn’t.

forgiveness allowed me to be free and fly…

Growing up without a father definitely sends you on a rollercoaster of emotions as a kid. I couldn’t figure out why someone would choose to not be present. Being present is free. You know what? That’s an error on my part.

Being present is going to cost you something that money can’t compete with. That sounds much better. Being present is more about your heart and less about your pockets.

I was smart. I was cute. I was an athlete. I was a leader. I made homecoming court. I was also in the band. I was something special, you know?

I was somebody he could be proud of carrying his last name.

And to think that one would freely opt out of having front row seats to my success story was a puzzle given to me at birth with some missing pieces.

Pieces that I looked everywhere for. Pieces that frustrated me so. Pieces that once found, shifted my perspective. Pieces that helped me see…

He wasn’t capable of fully me because he didn’t fully love certain parts of himself.

He wasn’t capable of being present because he felt like he had nothing of importance to show up with.

He wasn’t capable of seeing himself as a father because he ran from responsibility that would require more from him.

Wow! the simililarities of our life experiences. I know what it’s like to not fully love myself. I know what it’s like to not show up because I feel like I have nothing to show up with. I too know what it’s like to be afraid of growth and turn down opportunities that will stretch me to “grow through it”.

So he did what he thought was best for him and me at the time. He ran. I definitely took that from him too. I run when I get scared.

I can see now though how much him being absent helped us both. I know that sounds weird but hear me out.

Disclaimer: This is my perspective on things. Not the perspective of anyone tied to the picture by default.

For me:

• I learned at an early age that it’s a struggle trying to be something that you never had an example of.
• I saw first hand that childhood trauma plays on the adult mind to make you feel less than qualified for a specific role.
• I discovered later on in life that a person choosing not to be active in my life is a personal decision and doesn’t have anything to do with me.

For him:

• He learned how being absent sends a message of confusion that leaves no room for an explanation.
• He saw first hand how much stress can be placed on a child because of the actions of an adult who isn’t ready.
• He discovered that being active isn’t about being perfect but being present

I love seeing how active and present he is with his son. My brother has a target on his back because of the color of his skin. He needs him. He needed the him that could be an example of love and support. He needed the “learned from my mistakes” him. He needed the him that grew.

I love that some of the toughest lessons in life make the hidden truth that much more beautiful.

My father being absent is my truth. It’s been a contributing factor since the beginning.

I know that him being “present” could have saved me from so much but I also know that him being absent saved me from so much too.

#BNspired2day

And this is why on today and every day after that, I extend grace…

Grace to him + Grace to me.

To all of the men who are grace givers and grace receivers,

Happy Father’s Day!